Spring is in the air!

Along with spring comes the hunt for summer love! Well, for some of us anyways. As you gear up to hit the dating scene, take a moment to reflect on what type of relationship you are looking for. For some the end desired result is marriage while others just want a companion to share adventures and grow old with. Whichever end of the spectrum that you are on let’s take a moment to visit the road less traveled. Open relationships. (DUNN-DUNN-DUNN : imaginary dramatic music plays in background)

***disclaimer*** if you are currently looking to start an open marriage, this blog will not hold any answers. This is simply my observation based on my experience, beliefs and contact with friends that enjoy openness.

Christianity and open relationships

“But, Coach Kim …aren’t you a Christian? How can you condone open relationships??”

When I speak on the topic of openness, I am often greeted with this question. My first response is, “it is not my place to judge but to guide from a place of love.” Let me continue by saying, there are several versions of open relationships. You can be in an open dating relationship, an open dating w/casual sex relationship or in an open marriage. As one that has committed herself to trying to live within God’s instruction, I cannot cosign on the casual sex or the open marriage, HOWEVER, I am not going to pass judgement on my brothers and sisters that participate in this practice. Now that we have that out of the way, hear are my thoughts so let's chat about it!

"An open relationship is an interpersonal relationship in which the parties want to be together but agree to a form of non-monogamous relationship.[1] This means that they agree that other people relating in a flirting manner, sexual or physical, or intimate way with their partner is permitted, or often times tolerated. " ( courtesy of Wikipedia)

I asked ten random people if they would ever consider having an open relationship, with the exception of two honest souls, they all said “No!”. Not just “No!” but a “No!” accompanied by a vigorous shaking of head, scrunching up of the face and a loud “unh-unh, no way and hell naw!”. Ironically, out of the ones asked the 8 that said they would not consider an open relationship were single. Correction, ARE single. The two that admittedly said they would entertain the thought of an open relationship are married. Now as stated earlier, I cannot cosign on the sex before marriage or the sex outside of marriage so we will not focus on the open marriage aspect but instead let's dive into open dating.

Biblically speaking, open marriages are scattered throughout the bible. Some may call it polygamy, I call it open. This started me to wondering why the subject of open relationships is so taboo. Needless to say, now my wheels are turning….what exactly makes a relationship “open” and why do single & dating people shy away from them?

Food for thought: Cheating liars vs honest polygamist

Now that my curiosity was piqued, I began chatting with my girls as well as a few married couples that are actively engaged in open marriages. While speaking with the single women, they all revealed that they had either been cheated on or have done the cheating in previous relationships. When I said to them that basically they just confessed to being in an open relationship except it was without their knowledge and isn’t that worse than being in an open relationship with your eyes wide open?

They all seemed stunned. No one seems to think of it that way. Neither did I until my bff was telling me about her new dude and she told him that if he ever wants to start seeing other people then it would be cool. Just give her a head’s up so that she can start seeing others as well. “If the relationship is going to be open ..then let it be alllll the way open” is the way that she put it.

Seriously, let’s think about this a moment…. Wouldn’t it be better to begin a relationship knowing that you entered into it based on full disclosure? Or as Michael Baisden would say … wouldn’t you rather have a choice based on truth?

Now that you mention it, Coach Kim … what about the single ladies? What does this have to do with us?

First, let’s be clear about singledom, I believe that until you are legally married, you are single. Engagement doesn’t count, having a boyfriend doesn’t count. Because in the eyes of the law, if that fiance’ or boyfriend gets hit by a car and rushed to the hospital, you have absolutely NO legal rights in how your "boo" will be cared for. You will not have any rights to any medical information without that person’s permission no matter how in love you are. Therefore, until you walk down the aisle and say "I do" in front of God and whomever has the power vested in thee...you, my dear are single. Yep, check that single box.

Now as a single woman, I do believe that it is okay to date around. In other words, have an open dating relationship.

Why? Because I do not feel that you should lose a year (or two) dating one man while turning a blind eye to all other possibilities only to learn that he is not your Godsent. How many of us have centered ourselves around the current prince charming (I purposely did not capitalize the “p” or the “c”) only to later learn that we have wasted precious time on someone not worthy? After all, we don’t ask our friends to be monogamous and not have any other companions so why should we ask that of a person of interest?

This is where I usually get the most flack in my conferences. So, let me back track and bring notice to the point that I said “date” around. I did not say “sex” around.

The only requirement in open dating is to be honest. If down the line it becomes a mutual decision to be exclusive then be sure the conversation is clear and you both agree that from this point forward you will date only each other… that is a blog for another day and time.

Once you step into the communion of marriage, it is my personal belief that all doors are closed to anyone outside of the marriage for both parties. That whole 7th commandment thing kind of keeps me in line. However, until then, date! A LOT!! No games, no lies… just enjoy your time being single and know that it is OKAY to date multiple men. I once had a breakfast date, a lunch date and a dinner date in the same day. It was a blast! No hanky panky, no expectations of sex, just hanging out and enjoying meeting the new people that God allows into my presence. When any of them asked if I was seeing other people, I would always reply, “Yes. Aren’t you?” 😊

For more information on navigating the dating world such as deciding when to become exclusive, how to be celibate in this day and age or any other question that pops into your mind, email your inquiry to CoachKim@CoachKim.net. You may see your question featured in the upcoming segment, ‘ASK COACH KIM”. Until then,

Live love and live VIBRANTLY!

-Coach Kim